The barrier of love and sorrow: A tribute to women
by The Godess Freya
Summary: An original one-shot. A story about a young girl and her grief over her lost love.


It was raining today, and it was fitting. It would have been our anniversary; it would have caused a celebration of heart and mind that would have filled me with contentment. But, I had lost it all in a fit of weakness, caused by overprotective friends and zealous parents. My love...the one I have loved first and foremost. As I stared out of the window, I felt a lump in my throat and the familiar squeeze of regret and sorrow wrap around my heart.

*****************

_"That's right," I laughed out as I pulled the trigger of my toy gun and killed a zombie. Lifting my foot off the pedal, I ducked back into cover and reloaded my ammo. I squeezed off a few more shots, biting my lip in concentration. I wasn't good at these games, nor was I bad, but they were addicting when trapped on a cruise ship for a week. "Sah-weet. Next level."_

_"You're pretty good." Flicking my eyes from the game briefly, I saw that I wasn't alone. A boy in a red T-shirt with swim trunks stood watching me, his hands in the pockets of his shorts. Quickly I looked back at the game and began to shoot zombies again, not wanting to waste the quarter I had deposited._

_"Thanks," I said, shooting four zombies before hiding and reloading. "You want to play? I could use an extra gun." I grinned, but didn't look his way, totally absorbed in the competition and challenge the game presented._

_"Sure, why not?" he asked, stepping beside of me and depositing his own quarter. His nearness made little butterflies flutter in my stomach and I felt aware of him beside of me. It was a peculiar sensation, one that I hadn't felt this strongly before. However, I delved deeper into the game and began to kill of zombies, trying to preserve my health and continue the storyline._

_For an hour, me and the nameless boy played side by side, each of us fighting to keep the other alive, laughing at our mistakes, and swearing when we lost health. It was a tenuous joining of teenagers locked in combat and forming the first bonds of friendship, a valuable commodity in establishing a relationship. Finally, when we both ran out of money, I sent a comfortable smile in the boy's direction._

_"What's your name?" I finally asked, trying not to blush. It was imperative to hide my blush and my uncomfortable nature around guys, because I actually wanted to befriend this one not as a friend, but to flirt with him._

_"Nick," he said, holding out his hand. I shook it and my cheeks darkened slightly. His hand was smooth and bigger than mine, making me feel not like the tomboy I was, but as a woman._

_"I'm Jessica. Nice to meet you." As I squandered for something else to say, a woman appeared at the door, sporting Nick's features. Must be his mother._

_"Nick, it's time to go." She sent a smile my way before exiting the game room, leaving the two of us alone once again._

_"Well, see you then," I offered. He sent a gorgeous smile my way, one that transformed his face from cute to handsome._

_"Yeah. See you." With that, he walked away and I finally gave into the blush that threatened to stain my cheeks. I spent a few more minutes in the game room, absorbing the simple experience, when I stopped short. If he was wearing swim trunks, why would he carry change in his pocket?_

****************

I put my hand on the glass and watched as the water outside dribbled down the pain, and felt the difference in temperature between my room and the cold of the glass. Thunder crashed outside, but I didn't jump, or move from my position. I simply stared at my hand and the water pouring down from outside.

****************

_"Oh, no you don't," I swore as my friend Amber tried to throw my into the pool. I grabbed her arms at the last second and used my body weight to twist, taking us both into the warmed pool together. The people milling around us in the pool paid us no heed; there were simliar splashes about the pool and no one seemed to particularly care._

_"Why do you have to be so quick?" Amber muttered as she broke the surface of the water. I ducked back under the water and slicked my hair back so I could see her. She did the same and as she came back up, I grinned at her._

_"You should expect it from a soccer goalie. How you thought you could get away with it, I dunno." She spared a glare of her own right before she splashed more water at me. I simply closed my eyes then wiped the chlorinated water out of my eyes. "You know where Sean is?" I asked, referring to my brother._

_"No. Haven't seen Jack or him all day." My mother had taken a friend for each of us on the cruise, and each friend hung out with their respective peer; we were nigh inseperable._

_"Oh well," I muttered, not caring that much. Even with the 13 levels of the ship, we always managed to run into each other one way or another. _

_"Hey Jessica!" I turned to see none other than Nick sitting at the pool's edge, his feet in the water. I sent my trademarked lopsided grin his way as my stomach fluttered._

_"Hey Nick. Your momma finally release you?" It was an inward joke between us; his mother always wanted to do stuff with her three boys, no matter what they were doing at the time. He sent me his grin in return before he peeled off his shirt and threw it to a chair containing a towel...most likely his. As he slipped into the water, Amber and I shared a female oh-my-god look and then looked back at Nick as he surfaced. I had never seen him without his shirt before, and I wasn't dissapointed. He was toned, not overly muscular, but he was active enough to have definition._

_"Yeah. I had to look at paintings all day." Self conscious, I dipped into the water until it reached my neck, effectively distorting my body beneath the water. My back was against the side of the pool and I leaned against it._

_"Ugh, sounds horrible," Amber stated with a visible shiver. I agreed with her wholeheartedly. Paintings to a normal teenager were a death sentence and were the very definition of boredom._

_"Ain't that the truth," I muttered, watching Nick covertly from the corner of my eye. I admit I had little no to experience in flirting, but in watching inconspicuously, I was a pro. "Did you see anything you liked?" I asked, trying to continue the conversation._

_"No," he stated, joining me at the wall. He fingers brushed the back of my hand, but I didn't move away nor did I move to him. I simply stayed still, even as his shoulder brushed mine, the water in the pool sloshing slightly because of the waves in the ocean. Amber smiled at me and I knew she was going to do something completely stupid._

_"So, I'm going to go, and uh...try to find Sean." She began to swim to the pool and she climbed out. "Um, I'll...er...see you later!" As she toweled herself on, she tugged on her shorts and grabbed her shirt before rapidly retreating. I just watched her exit and I winced as I knew the awkward silence was incoming. _

_"Not to subtle, is she?" Nick asked, his voice laced with laughter. His light comment lifted my spirits and I laughed along with him._

_"No, not really." Still neither of us moved, and once more, the side of his body brushed mine as the ship hit another wave._

**********************

As I withdrew my hand from the window, I felt used, spent, and tired. I was devoid of any energy, as I was every time this day came around. I grabbed some papers from the desk beside of me and carresed them lovingly. They were Nick's emails that he had sent so long ago, and each was filled with the love he held for me. They were the highlight of our relationship; the only way we could communicate with one another.

A tear splashed onto the page as I began to read his words. He spoke so simply and plainly, but his meaning was conveyed and each with each word, I felt love for him.

***********************

_It was nighttime and the breeze warm as I made my way to the top level of the cruise ship. I couldn't see the Bahamas yet, but soon, I would see them on the horizon. Making my way past the few people up at this hour, I made my way up to the final level - a small circle of lay-down chairs. I laid down on one and looked at the stars, spotting Orien immediately. He was one of the few constellations I knew and could point out, and he was my favorite because of it._

_"What are you doing up here?" I jumped, startled at the voice, but saw my Nick, his blond hair ruffled by the steady breeze. Even with the dim light, his blond eyes were peircing but soft, and if I wasn't in love with him by that point, my young and innocent heart fell head over heels. His collared shirt was plastered to him and for once, he wore jeans, which somehow made him seem better looking. The first two buttons were undone and it just seemed so sexy._

_"Just chilling," I answered, trying to sound cool. "Want to join me?" I asked._

_"Sure." He took the chair beside of me and pulled it beside of me leisurely, as if we were just two friends stargazing. He laid down and I put my heads under my head as I continued to just look at the beautiful sky._

_"You know, even though I live in the country, it's never this clear at night. It's so beautiful."_

_"It's not the only thing that's beautiful." I blushed and turned my head to look at him. He was watching me, his eyes serious for once, and I knew he had meant what he said. As he saw my cheeks darken, he smiled and pulled my elbow. I let him pull my hand from under my head and he simply held my hand, watching me intently. He brought my hand to his lips and brushed his lips over my knuckles, in a simple motion._

_"Nick..." I whispered, my eyes shining with embarrasment, love, and hope for a relationship. The love I felt for him blossomed and I felt us connect, and it felt so...right. Nothing I had ever done before seemed to fit as well, or make as much sense as the two of us together, and I suddenly got up and sat in the same chair as him. He scooted over and wrapped his arm around me, letting me place my head on his shoulder. He wrapped me in a cocoon of warmth and love, something I had never felt before. The force of my love for this one boy was overwhelming and somewhat daunting, but in his arms, I knew I could handle it. I could handle anything if he was with me._

_A few moments later, his hand gently lifted my chin and I met his eyes. My lips trembled and my heart began to pound as I realized what his intent was. Slowly, ever so slowly, he leaned forward and touched his lips to mine. Around us, the world exploded into a world of sensation and I drew him as close as we could physically be and kept my lips on his own. His lips were soft but firm, and he gently carressed my cheek, as if I were the most precious object in the universe._

**********************

As I flipped through the various emails I had printed out, the tears began to flow more freely, my mind drowning in pain and agony. I was so happy in these emails. I could hear it in my words and remember what it had felt like dating Nick, even if he was in a different state. We could make it work, because we loved each other. I had naively thought everything could work out. I trusted and loved him so much that it hurt inside. Yet...it had all gone wrong.

*********************

_The last day of the cruise, I found myself in the game room, thinking of Nick. In such a short amount of time, we both had fallen in love with one another, and I had no regrets. He was everything I had wanted and needed and we would never be apart._

_"Jessica!" I turned to see Nick and he gently grapsed my shoulders before leaning in for another kiss. I leaned into the kiss with fervor, and savored the feel of his lips on my own. "I'm so glad I got to see you before I go," he stated as he leaned back. His eyes studied my face and I blushed._

_"What are you looking at?" I asked._

_"You. I want to remember you forever." His short but to the point statement speared my heart and tears prickled in my eyes. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever been told. "You're so fucking beautiful," he murmured, kissing me again. All my life, I hadn't been seen as a woman. I didn't use makeup, nor did I style my hair, and here was the man of my dreams telling me in such romantic words how I was beautiful. It was too much and tears leaked from my eyes._

_"I'll miss you, Nick," I swore fervently. "I want to go home with you." He crushed me to him in a tight hug and buried his face in my neck._

_"I want you to. God, I want you to. Don't tempt me, Jessica." With a laugh choked on a sob, I threw my arms around his neck and imprinted my last moments with him in my mind and soul. I etched my happiness and my pain, my love and my estatic joy into this one memory and held it close to my heart as he held me against him, murmuring words of love into my ear._

*********************

After I had read the last email, I pulled out his picture and simply looked at his face. Every line, every feature I had memorized, I had loved with all of my being. It was him I belonged to, him that I loved, and even now, he still held my heart and my soul. Having enough, I held the picture of him close to my heart and doubled over, crying, the racking sobs torn from my tormented soul.

*********************

_"No...don't leave your family. It's not fair to either of us." I had to say it. I had to be noble. He couldn't leave his whole family for me!_

_"I can get a job in North Carolina and visit my family every other week! We can make this work. I'll buy a house in the mountains like we talked about, you know...the one next to a lake for us to swim in. I'll do everything, just don't leave me!" His anguish caused a flood of tears to fall down my face. He was offering himself to become more than a boyfriend. We had spoken briefly of marriage, and he loved me enough to leave his own family and come to live near me._

_"Nick, can't you see? You're throwing away everything for me!" It was what my friends had said; my family had backed them up. Yet, a selfish part wanted him to come for me. I wanted to run away with him and become his wife._

_"You're my everything!" The conviction in my voice was nearly my undoing, but my dad patted my back and nodded once, trying to give me strength. The pain I felt was mirrored in my eyes, but my dad was unwavering. Nick wasn't healthy for me, and he wanted him gone._

_"I love you Nick. I always will. You'll always have my heart."_

_"No, Jessica..." I heard him crying at the end of the phone. "Don't go. Let me come down for a weekend. I want to talk it out."_

_"No Nick. I...can't...I have to go...bye." With that, I hung up, my body racking with the force of my sobbing. My father patted my shoulder, his eyes flecked with slight sympathy, but he was full of resolve._

_"You did the right thing," he stated, but inwardly I rebelled. I wanted Nick! This was wrong, wrong, WRONG! Nick was my love, my life, my world!_

_Yet, even though I was crying, in pain, and wanted him severly, I did nothing. I sat and cried with my father, and didn't make things right. _

*****************

_Even though it had been a week since I had broken up with him, my mind refused to belive it. I felt bereft without contacting Nick every day and talking for hours. Many times I had written emails, only to stop halfway through and delete what I had written. I was in pain, and my heart was breaking without Nick. Most times, I simply held my cellphone in my hand and waited for Nick to call, but the call never came._

_Finally, I broke down and visited his myspace. At first, I thought I had gotten it wrong and gone to someone else's page. Yet, it was his url at the top of the screen, and his face stared at me from the little icon in the left hand corner. However, a blond beauty was his background, and she was smiling lovingly. She wore a ankle length skirt and a cute shirt, her hair blond with brown streaks, tamed, and exceptionally styled. She was what I hoped to be, what I wished I could be._

_As I went to click on his picture, I saw his name: 'I love Summer!' I felt shame first, followed quickly by betrayal. It had only been a week since we had broken up, and he had found a girl so easily? Had I meant so little to him? I began to cry as the pain began to seep into my shocked system. My mother, who was attuned to every sound in our small house, quickly came to my room to check on me. Before she could ask, I held out my arms, asking for a hug, and she quickly obliged, letting me cry onto her shoulder. _

**************************

_One year later, I found myself on the exact same cruise, the exact same boat. Last year, hurricanes had forced us to avoid Nassau, so the company had given us a deal for another cruise. Mom and I had taken it, but this time, we couldn't bring friends. Yet, I dreaded the time I would run into Nick._

_I was in the game room, looking at the zombie game that Nick and I had originally played, and I could almost hear him and I laughing, playing the game. I could see the happiness between us, even at that early stage, and I smiled in longing. I missed Nick, and I missed his company most of all. He had completed me in ways I had never noticed until he was gone, and I wanted it all back, yet I couldn't._

_"Jessica." I turned to see Nick, looking somewhat older. Still, he wore a collared shirt and jeans, and held himself with confidence that he had lacked the cruise before. He smiled at me, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes, and I knew what words I wanted to say were hopeless. I had broken what was between us - shattered it beyond repair._

_"Nick. Sorry, gotta go." With a hasty retreat, I nearly ran from the room, leaving my heart back in the game room behind me._

*************************

_Once I had gotten home, I had hibernated in my room for nearly a week, contemplating and mourning my lost love. It had hurt to watch Nick flirt on the cruise, and it hurt to have him so close and yet so far from me. He was untouchable, but the love I felt for him hadn't diminished in the slightest. I wanted him in so many ways and couldn't do anything to gain back what I had thrown away._

_A month later, I checked his myspage for nostalgia, and realized that he had a new girlfriend. I smiled as I saw his smiling features on the screen. He looked happy with the girl, and he could hold her close, unlike me. I was envious of her, and jealousy burned the back of my eyes. She was beautiful, and I was not. Yet, a small part of me was happy at Nick's happiness. Whatever became of me, I wanted him to love and be loved in return, even if it wasn't me. I just wanted his happiness._

******************

A year later, I was in my room, scouring the web for things to alleviate my boredom when my phone rang. Absentmindedly, I answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey?" The voice asked, hesitant. "Is..this Jessica?" My heart beat painfully once, then twice. I slowly took the phone from my ear and recognized the number. It was him. "Hello?"

"Who is this?" I asked, not knowing what to do.

"It's Nick."

"Oh, hey Nick!" I said with a false enthusiasm. "What's up?" I asked in a bright, falsely happy voice.

"It's Ashlee. She...broke up with me..." I immediately sobered.

"Oh, Nick, I'm so sorry..." I drifted off, not knowing what to say.

"She broke up with me a fucking hour before our one year anniversary. One hour." My heart ached for him, in more ways that one. "Just called and broke up withme." Just like I had.

"Nick..." I began, tears burning my eyes.

"It's all right," he said. "I'm sorry I called."

"Well, I'm not!" I cried out. "It's fine, really. If she did that to you, Nick, she didn't deserve you."

"I loved her," he admitted, and I heard the words as I felt an answering punch in my gut, but I didn't let him hear my pain. "And she fucking left me."

"She was a bitch to leave you one hour before. She could have waited."

"She was hooking up with another guy." I gasped in indignation.

"That bitch!" I whispered, but Nick caught me.

"No, it wasn't like that," he soothed, trying to calm the protective instincts rising within me.

"Nick-"

"I've got to go. See you." With that, he hung up and I stared at the phone for what seemed like hours, waiting to see if he called back. Yet...nothing. My hope was in vain. Somehow, I knew that it was over between us, and that he would never call again. It hurt, sliced deep, and I could feel myself sliding straight into depression, and I dropped the phone to reach for the steak knife I kept hiddin on the side of my bed. The knife always made things better. It could take away the pain...like it had since I had broken up with my love.

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A/N**

And that's that. I've been thinking a lot about what I did, and I decided the best way to purge myself was to write it all down, get it out of my head before it began to eat me up inside. I'm not proud of what I did, and I think if I had to take anything back, it would be not to hurt Nick. We could have made it work, which is what brings me to my next point.

Don't screw up like I did. Your friends know something about you, and if the boy is wrong for you, but your heart knows best. Even if that is romanticism, it's the truth. You could throw away something beautiful at the urging of paranoia, which is the most horrible thing you could ever do.


End file.
